Sahmot Aramadat, Guru leader of the Third Millenium Church, told FakeToday he "just wants happiness" and "no death at all, I can't even see blood."

Sahmot, age 47, is leading a group of 20 people to the light, "but it's a warm and fuzzy light, operated by battery, not the kind you see at the end of the tunnel." When he is asked about the accusations of of barricading the front doors to his little farm, he answers, "We lock the door but have a door bell. What's the big deal?"

Sahmot's church doctrine included a galactic federation ruled by a being named Zorkos, but the passage has since been removed. "It was just a cheap joke," the cult leader admits. "Most of all we try to relax here."

"Mass-suicide? Only over my dead body" Sahmot snaps back at an interview session with the local press. Attending reporter Susan Jonas (name changed) does not believe the frivolous innocence portrayed by the TMC is for real. "They smoke French cigarettes, for chrissake." When asked for proof, Susan refers to her "always-on gut-feeling."

Sahmon was not available for further comment and instead went to a "good, long sleep" with his loyal followers. He added: "It's the kind of sleep where you wake up afterwards."

By FakeToday correspondent Philipp Lenssen (8/24/2004).