ATHENS – The Olympic committee yesterday announced doping would not be further ruled illegal. Also, members of the Olympic Committe may now legaly accept bribery.

"These were the Games where it became increasingly difficult to cheat with drugs and where clean athletes were better protected," said Olympic Committee president Jacques Rogge in a speech held in front of the press. "Those however who risk everything, those who we know are the most strong, fast, and agile, were seen left standing behind."

"The Olympic games always faced two problems," Rogge concluded, "one is doping, the other bribery. Ironically, to fight these two means to legalize them. In public opinion and international law, we should turn a former crime into an aid for athletes leading us into a prosperous future. The witch-hunt is over."

In a list presented on the official Olympics web site, the following are now listed as legal by the Medical Commission of the International Olympic Committee (IOC): stimulants, narcotic analgesic, anabolic agents, beta-blockers, duretics, and peptide hormones. The new Medical Code emphasizes self-responsibility and says "athletes are empowered to train at their own risk."

The next Olympic Summer Games, scheduled for Beijing in 2008, should see a great number of new world records. Especially weight-lifting is expected to boost into a new dimension. Says Rogge: "Women throwing the hammer over 100 meters is becoming a possibility. We'll see men crack the 6 seconds barrier for 100 meters. 1st second knock-outs in boxing. You name it."

As positive side-effect, money currently invested in anti-doping tests can then be used to give out free tickets to an always-decreasing stadium crowd.

Certain medals will now also be directly sold to the highest bidder, following up on the 2004 Olympics Bribery act. "If you pay, you win. It's time for the Olympics to reflect natural economics. While a Gold medal will be rather expensive, Bronze and Silver should be realistic even for smaller nations."

By FakeToday correspondent Philipp Lenssen (8/31/2004).