Afraid to enter airplanes? When you are finished with this article I promise you lost your fear of flying. Unless you're by any chance reading this in an airplane, 'cause well, I promise the same but I'm not sure you'll survive your lessons!

Ok, first things first. Why is it stupid to be afraid of dying... er, flying? Because we all gonna die one day! So when it happens, won't you be glad it'll be over quickly? Right. You didn't think of that, did you?

You might be afraid of air turbulence. But there's nothing like some technical background trivia to make you understand how silly that is. Only very, very strong turbulence are known to crash airplanes. So when you're experiencing some heavy shaking, simply count to 3 (slowly, like this: one... two... three). If the shaking stopped at 3, well, lucky you, it wasn't that bad after all. If the shaking goes on or even becomes stronger, well, you've got a life insurance don't you? You don't? Well, get one you crazy person! You think your safety belt is gonna save you sitting in that oversized steel container, thousands of miles from ground?

Next fear to overcome: terrorists. You know one when you see one. They're all male, 22-35 years old, dark-skinned, with beard, and they speak a language you don't understand. So simply ask your flight attendant if there's any dark-skinned people with beard on board, and leave the plane immediately if there are. This will save your butt 99% of the time.

But wait. Fear of flying can not only be tackled by knowledge and caution. Sometimes, a little red wine does wonders. Before take off, get heavily drunk, and on longer flights, order some wine on board. Make sure you maintain a constant level of drunkenness, because with soberness, reason (and reasonable fear) returns.

Many people who are afraid of flying are simply afraid of giving up control. But you know what? The pilot knows how to handle the plane. He's got experience. Unless you catch him on a bad day – say, his wife might have left him, and he feels suicidal, or he just ate something really bad and will get dizzy in the cockpit – everything's gonna be alright. Ask yourself: who would you rather have control over your life, a trained pilot, or a trained terrorist? So be happy for every minute it's a pilot holding that winged monster up in the air!

Another lesson to learn is that fear of flying, ironically, can be overcome even before the flight. Prepare yourself, focus on the destination (in case you reach it), and make sure you are not stressed on take-off day. Talking about take-off: this, and landing, is the most dangerous phase of any flight. Isn't it a calming thought that on a 4 hour flight, only about 5% of the time could be truly deadly, on average?

One approach to fighting the fear of flying (also called aerophobia, aviophobia, aviatophobia, or pteromerhanophobia, no kidding) is to face your fear. To do so, I've compiled a list of movies which will get you used to the fear in a safe environment; Final Destination, Rain Man, the 1970 movie Airport, and The Poseidon Adventure (just so you know ships can be lethal too).

See how simple it all is? Take pride in yourself if my tips helped you to become a frequent flyer. You have the power to change yourself. You have the power to overcome any fear at all: fear of spiders, cats & dogs, heights, fire, and what-not! But don't go crazy now. Sometimes, a little fear can help you survive... be too brave, and it'll get you killed. Mark my words.

By FakeToday correspondent Neil "Spin" Phelps (10/20/2005).